Healthy Sex life and spanking

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While I plan to continue to add to this blog on a regular basis, initially I hope that this blog will enable people to understand their desire to spank and be spanked while unburdening them from any self-judgment that they may otherwise make.

My first spanking was at my 16th birthday party. My guy friends tackled me on the livingroom floor and took turns giving me my “birthday spanks, and maybe one for good luck. I don’t recall. Once freed, I was livid. I was mortified… and I was totally turned on.

By day, I was a women’s studies major, wrote a weekly feminist column for the student newspaper, and was president of the National Organization of Women on campus. By night, I really, really, really just wanted to be spanked.

In the years to come, I got some playful spankings, during which I was always twisting, giggling, and trying to get out of it. My first serious boyfriend loved to smack me on the ass as a joke, as did my second serious boyfriend. The more I protested, laughingly telling them to stop, the more they did it. And getting playful spanks always, always led to making out. I look back now and see that both guys realized I loved getting spanked longbefore I did.

You could say I was in denial about my spanking drives. It wasn’t that I thought slapping booty was abuse, nor was my starched WASP upbringing to blame. No, the problem was my feminist sensibilities. I realize now that the term “feminism” is vague and means different things for different people, but when I was younger, I assumed there was a way a feminist should think and act. So, even though I liked the feeling of getting spanked, I felt conflicted about giving up my physical power, thinking spanking wasn’t something an independent and opinionated woman should enjoy. Just how, I fretted, could a partner take me seriously as a thinker, a doer, and a creator when I wanted to be submissive to him? What if people think I’m weird or screwed up?

But my sex drive proved mightier than my hang-ups and spanking became a main course of my sex life—albeit a shameful one—in college.

By day, I was a women’s studies minor, wrote a weekly feminist column for the student newspaper, and was president of the National Organization of Women on campus. By night, I really, really, really just wanted to be spanked.

And I was, by a few different guys who, to varying degrees, were down with giving me spankings. But I still felt kind of ashamed because they themselves didn’t enjoy it, but they spanked me anyway because they knew it made me happy.

When I was 21, right after I graduated from college, I began dating Brandon, a brilliant, charismatic, confident 22-year-old. I loved how his dominant, even arrogant, personality manifested itself between the sheets. (Really, the only place I could put up with such a personality.) I didn’t have to ask for him to spank or dominate me because he did it naturally, and I didn’t feel like I was “choosing” to be submissive. But when we broke up after nine months, I knew I wanted the next guy I dated to be dominant in bed, like Brandon had been. I did a little Googling about submission and spanking fetishes and discovered it was a lot of other people’s fetishes, as well.  In fact, I found that it appears to be popular for men to want a good old fashioned spanking also.  In fact, after being inspired by a good friend, I used all of my athletic strength and abilities gained from years of school sports to pull Brandon over my knee, while he protested vigorously, I had is underwear down and his bottom thoroughly red before he good get up.  Interestingly, he had the same reaction I did to my first spanking, being both angry and embarrassed.

I learned something else by this early experience, by turning him over my knee I produced a level of lasting sexual and emotional excitement with Brandon that did not exist previously.  In fact it allowed us both to learn things about ourselves individually and collectively that I know that we would not have found out about otherwise.

Fast forward a few years, and a few sexually un-fulfilling relationships, to Charles, the first guy who made me feel like there wasn’t anything wrong or un-feminist about wanting to be spanked. I’d known Charles for years, so he knew about my feminist activism and the writing I do about women’s issues. Once Charles learned about my dom/sub fetish, he knew—and respected—how conflicted I felt. Charles wanted to spank a woman as badly as I wanted to be spanked, and that was what mattered to him. Plus, he’d struggled with apathetic partners, as I had, and he owned a paddle! Alas, Charles also had a girlfriend.

Not that that stopped us. No, we were selfish: Charles cheated on his girlfriend with me. But those few weeks were sexually charged, passionate and wonderful. And other than feeling guilt about the cheating, I didn’t feel ashamed about what we were doing. Getting spanked and dominated in bed by an enthusiastic partner was the most sexually liberating feeling of my entire life.  I also found out about other unexpected benefits that included the rush of stress relief that usually accompanied a good spanking.  In fact, the more stressed and irritable I was before, the more I needed the good rush, and often a good cry that accompanied a good spanking.

Eventually, Charles and I ended our relationship when he wouldn’t end it with his girlfriend. I talked with my therapist, Dr. B, about how the emotional part of the relationship hadn’t been right, but my sexual chemistry with Charles had been spot-on.

However, instead of addressing how disappointed I felt that my intimate relationship had ended, or why I was in yet another relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, Dr. B focused on why I liked to be spanked. She kept steering the discussion back to what being submissive must mean in the grand scheme of things. Did I think I was bad? Did I think sex was bad? Did I think I deserved to be punished? Was I working out my relationship with my parents? Was it oedipal?

No, I kept telling her: I wasn’t hit as a kid, I was never abused by my parents, I’ve never dated an abusive man, and I’d never hit my own kids. But week after week, she’d ask me these same questions, and I’d have to tell her, nope, I still don’t hate myself, and I still wasn’t abused as a kid.

Eventually, our therapist-patient relationship ended, too, when I realized Dr. B didn’t get it and likely never would. I’d gotten over my conflict, and there she was bringing it up again. I may be a submissive, but I wasn’t going to put up with my shrink’s judgment!

I’m still coming to terms with my feminist beliefs, and how they interact with my desire for submissive sex, especially my spanking fetish. At this point in my life, at 25, I finally feel comfortable choosing to be submissive in a relationship with a man in the bedroom, as long as he is choosing to behave in a dominant way and he respects me outside of the bedroom. My love of a good spanking is not a conflict for me anymore. In fact, I respect myself more than I ever did for knowing exactly what pleases me and not being afraid to ask for it.

It took me far too many years to realize that it wasn’t very feminist of me to police my own sexuality, to label it “good for feminism” or “bad for feminism.” It is what it is! After I saw “Milk,” the movie about gay rights activist Harvey Milk, I decided I wanted to be someone who completely owns her sexuality, even if it’s not mainstream. I’m not ashamed anymore, and I don’t have to pussyfoot around asking for what I really want: I absolutely have to be submissive and spanked often, if not all the time, in order to more fully enjoy sex.  Well, after years of learning about the joys of spanking as part of my own healthy sex life, I decided to take the time to summarize what I have learned about the subject.   I hope that this may help others bypass some of the emotional and other issues that I had to deal with and get right to a more healthy and fulfilling sex life.

Statistics*

The following summarize the results on human sexuality related to spanking.  While the actual numbers vary with the study, part of the world and other human aspects, there is a fairly universal agreement that spanking is much more popular now than even in Victorian days.

Percentage of women spanked at some time in their lives: 84%

Percentage of men spanked at some time in their lives: 87%

Percentage of adult women who enjoy or want to be spanked: 76%

Percentage of adult men who enjoy or want to be spanked: 54%

Percentage of men who like to spank their partner: 68%

Percentage of women who like to spank their partner: 62%

* Statistics taken from a range of correlational and clinical studies referred to in References area.

Clearly the majority of people enjoy spanking in some form, so why do men and women like to be spanked?

There are many reasons women like spanking. While the reasons vary with the individual there are several key psychological a physical factors.  In terms of psychological, there is a tremendous amount of intimacy and trust inherent to being spanked and letting someone spank you.  For a woman, she must trust a partner completely and has complete confidence that her partner won’t do anything that will truly harm her so she can let go and allow herself to fully experience the pain and pleasure associated with spanking and allow the increased endorphin and associated sex hormone rush accompanied by the intimacy of the sexy and fun activity.

For those who may not know, Endorphins are the chemicals produced in the body that create that “high” feeling during orgasm, a hard run or a good spanking.  So, spanking is another way of getting that endorphin rush. Second, when spanked, a man or woman’s entire genital region is stimulated via increased blood flow to the pelvic and genital area and the excitation of the Pudental Nerve that runs directly from the bottom to the penis or clitoris, as well as the other nerves in the genital region.  Simply put, the bottom is a primary erogenous zone, but the increased layer of tissue present requires increased stimulation to produce that high level of arousal.

In terms of psychological factors, the cathartic release of being brought to tears from a hard spanking can help unburden them from stress and other worries. On the discipline side of things, they often feel an increased bond of intimacy with the loving partner who cares enough to turn them over a knee for a real bottom warming, and the majority of results of many studies also show that most feel released from pent up guilt, or a sense of forgiveness for their deeds. So, while everyone is different, the ability of a good spanking to separate one from the stresses and burdens of life produces results that most psychiatrists rarely achieve even after years of meetings.

Positions

The following are some of the more popular spanking positions used by many adults.

Over the Knee

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Studies have shown the Over the Knee or OTK to be considered the most popular spanking position for both men and women.  There is a high degree of intimacy and other psychological factors contributing to its popularity.

Trapped Over the Knee

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This is another highly popular position.  It provides the intimacy necessary while increasing the amount of trust, control and intensity possible during the spanking.  Many women find this the most effective position because of the increased ability to control their partner and it is also a very good way to ensure that a higher level of sexual excitement and endorphin rush is created.

Split-knee position

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This position is especially popular for women being spanked, as it allows them increased genital stimulation, although that benefit is also true to some degree for men.

Legs-up Position

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The exposed nature of this position together with the tension and tightness of the bottom’s skin make this a position that enables a very intense spanking experience.  Some women like it because it allows for simultaneous use of vibrators and other toys.

Bent-Kneeling position

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The BK position provides increased leverage for the person doing the spanking compared to some other positions, which can be useful if the partner doing the spanking is not very strong.  It also provides good ability to reach between your partners legs to determine their level of sexual arousal.

Extended Prone Position

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Variations include inserting pillow underneath to raise the bottom, using a couch in place of the bed, etc.  This position is often used in club and group scenes because it can be maintained for extended periods and provides increases access to alternate spankers.

Reverse-straddle

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The reverse-straddle is another popular position, especially for younger more agile people. When fully naked, in addition it allows for penetration in the man-superior position when the partners are naked.

Bent-over Position

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Although not nearly as intimate as the OTK and some others, many find this popular since it enables more leverage to be used.  Also it enables spanker to use paddles and other toys with increased leverage.

Other positions

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The more we study spanking the more we realize that the number of variations are limited only by imagination. The increased openness people have enjoyed over the past few decades have lead to club scenes and other groups and increased sexual exploration.

Tips

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Although the goals and definition of a “good” spanking vary widely, the following are a list of the most common ones.

Start slowly and build up in terms of intensity – The number one cause of bruising, assuming that it is not desired, is too much intensity too quickly.  It is often good to start over the pants, skirt or underwear and then pull them down after several minutes of good warm-up.  The progressive baring of the bottom by the spanker also increases the intensity of the sexual excitement and the submissive realism, making for a more arousing and effective spanking experience for both partners.

Agree upon a “safe word” and stick to it – Decide upon the safe word up-front and always act upon it immediately.  The one being spanked should choose a word that they would not likely say by accident, so that any role play or other pleading, crying or begging can be safely ignored by the spanker and both partners can become fully immersed in the realism of the experience.

Let the spanker take full control – Other than in response to a safe word, the one doing the spanking should start and stay in full control.  This should include anything from how long and how hard to what implement and position are used.  The input from the one being spanked should ideally happen before the spanking every commences, so that the experience can feel more genuine.  This will tremendously add to the excitement and the cathartic nature of the spanking.

Use a stern level of control – Most partners find that the sexual excitement and cathartic and related effectiveness is significantly increased by the spanker taking and maintaining full control.   Role play where the person performing the spanking asserts control of pulling down the pants, pulling the pants down and fully controlling the position of their partner makes the experience much more exciting and effective compared to one where the person being spanked stays in control.  This may be especially difficult at first for women spanking men due to their innate maternal natures and fear of hurting their partner.  You should realize as I did that first this is what the safe word is for and also that as long as you warm up your partners bottom progressively as I have described that you will actually help nurture your partner and your relationship more that you can imagine.

Find a good way to communicate and strike a balance – Many find that a “green”, “yellow”, “red” safe word set provides a good balance initially of communication and power transfer, where green means increase intensity, “yellow” means getting close to limit and “red” means stop.  This will allow both partners to fully immerse themselves in their respective role, without any real fear of things going “wrong”.

Spanking Implements

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Hairbrush: Hairbrush is one of the common, easily available and inexpensive spanking implements. The backside of the hairbrush is used for spanking. It is normally made of wood, but sometimes it could be made of plastic also. It can be used very effectively while the wife is placed OTK.

Wooden Ruler: Usually a wooden ruler is not as intense or lasting as a hairbrush or a wooden paddle because of its light weight. If a ruler is used for spanking, it should be held perfectly flat (at the point of impact), otherwise bruising could occur easily where the edge hits. It could be used well while the partner is in OTK position.

Paddle: A spanking paddle is a usually wooden or leather instrument with a long, flat face and narrow neck, so called because it is roughly shaped like the homonymous piece of sports equipment, but existing in more varied sizes and dimensions, (length, width and thickness) used to administer a good spanking. Historically, wooden paddles for spanking were most popular in the U.S.A. They always produce a loud “whack”. The actual effect depends very much on the clothing worn, the paddle’s size, material and weight, and how hard it is swung. Paddles with holes drilled through the board sting more because the holes reduce the air resistance and prevent the building of an air cushion.  The smaller the paddle the more intense the spanking.  Smaller wooden paddles, such as those towards hairbrush size can be used to produce a very intense spanking.  However, even leather paddles of moderate to large size can be used to OTK to produce a very cathartic, high endorphin spanking.   Some women like to use thinner acrylic or lexan paddles to spank their partners, since depending on the effort the sting can be very intense and long lasting without as much risk of bruising.

How hard?

Every one is different, but most men and women in our studies have asserted that they like a spanking to build to the point where they lose control to some degree.  That point varies from person to person, but as long as the spanking is progressive as described above, over 60% of men and women say that they most enjoy a fully cathartic spanking that can sometime produce spontaneous begging, pleading and even tears.  This may sound a bit extreme but the truth is that the sexual excitement and the ongoing benefits are physiologically and psychologically interwoven on many different levels.

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Benefits

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As strange as it may sound to those who are not yet into spanking, one of the reasons that spanking remains the most popular alternative form of sex play is that it almost universally is tied to happier love lives, increased fidelity, greater intimacy, higher levels of sexual satisfaction and longer marriages.

Most importantly — have fun!

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References

American Academy of Clinical Sexologists
AACS offers a Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology. Situated in Orlando, Florida. Online application may be found at http://www.esextherapy.com/application.htm.

San Francisco State University, San Francisco, California
— Human Sexuality Studies Program, Undergraduate Minor. See also course listings.
It also offers Master of Arts Degree in Human Sexuality Studies to provide students knowledge about processes and variations in sexual cultures, sexual identity and gender role formation, and the social, cultural, historical, and ethical foundations of sexuality, intimate relationships, and sexual health.

University of Minnesota Medical School, Minneapolis
— Program in Human Sexuality, Department of Family Practice and Community Health. Educational opportunities include: medical school education, academic courses, continuing education,

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